finally!

i got a call from the clinic today regarding madi's tests results.

they came back normal, with the exception of a little blood in her urine sample and her liver levels were a bit elevated. however, dr h didn't think it was urgent enough for her to be brought in right away. he wants her back in a month to retest.

i'm relieved.

now i can (maybe) stop sleeping with my ear on the baby monitor just so i'm sure she's breathing.

and i learned something horrifying about human nature the last week. human nature is awful.

it transcends any other instincts we may have.

"like how?", you might ask.

have you ever thought back to a time in your life (maybe it was recent, maybe it's ancient history) when your heart was broken? you trusted your heart, mind, and emotions to someone and it backfired. your heart broke. you were miserable. you maybe even hesitated to trust anyone ever again, vowing to never ever let yourself be vulnerable, loving and open to anyone ever again.

we all have, i'm sure.

this past week, i've found myself pulling away from my kids.

i heard the collective gasp- it's ok, i've ashamed myself with this one, i know that.

.

let me explain further:

a parent's love for their children is probably the fiercest and most unbreakable bond to ever exist. it defies the parameters of nature, when you think about it. our basest instincts are to put ourselves and our needs first... the only exception (or rather, the 'easiest' exception) being our offspring. when we have little ones, they are the center of our world and nothing stops us from protecting them.

so... coming back to the pulling away. i can't believe i'm admitting this, but consider it therapy. :)

when this whole scary week started with madi, the first thing i did was nearly squeeze the poor baby to death. sitting in the clinic with her, not even the jaws of life could have taken her from my arms. i cried. i panicked. i held on to her for dear life, because in just a few minutes, i was shoved head-first into so many "what-if's" and the results possible outcomes. so maybe i was being a little over-dramatic about it, but in the immediate situation, well, there was cause for concern. i was abruptly reminded that nobody is immortal. nobody. not even my own children.

so why did i start backing away instead of trying to get closer to my kids? "closer" would be the obvious option, the one i should have chosen. but i didn't. my heart was afraid of breaking.

all of a sudden, all the time, love, tears, emotions, EVERYTHING i'd invested in my kids was threatened. my babies are my loves, my life. my fight-or-flight response kicked in, in full-flight mode. ready for take-off. or whatever you call it.

i'd have rather, in that point in time, have not loved than loved and lost.

because the thought of losing one of my babies was too much.

my heart didn't want to break and it was trying to protect itself.

now that madi's ok (as far as we can tell- there may be other tests later on, we'll see), now that we're not bombarded with constant worry and "what-if's", now that all the concern seemed so over-the-top, i am ashamed of the temporary detachment.

then again, it's natural. i'm thinking it's the "denial" phase of grief. not that we'd had anything to grieve about. not immediately, anyway- it was the fear. the anticipation of what COULD happen, the potential grief that might have been experienced, had those tests had a different outcome.

now that my brief "bad mommy" stint is over, my kids are more loved than ever.

yes, i love my kids.

that's why my heart was afraid.

wouldn't yours have been?