:: untitled, no. 1::

my creative juices have been tapped, it seems. finding a cute, witty title post is not on my list of "can do's". i will have to concede to my dad, king of puns.

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"monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. they live inside us and sometimes, they win."
~stephen king~
 

today, i'm fighting to find my happy place. anxiety is a beast, y'all. if you have it chronically, you know what i'm talking about. just taking a quick trip to walmart for a few things usually puts me into crisis mode. i've learned to hide it well, though. on the outside, i'm  a busy mommy running errands with her small humans in tow, trying to incorporate some sort of lesson (math, life skills, etc) into whatever task we're trying to accomplish. on the inside, it's a scary crazy mess. my entire body is on survival mode, my mind is desperately looking for the nearest exit while fully aware that simply leaving the physical environment will not ease the turmoil. once home, peace starts to creep in; tentatively, hesitantly, cowering near the borders of my consciousness.

anxiety is very much a thief, robbing a person of normalcy. it is vindictive and jealous, taking over and squashing any calm, any relaxation, any fun that might wander in. it is scary, like a monster waiting just around the corner. it's smothering, hovering, like a toxic cloud. it is all-consuming, invisible, and very very real.

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i wish i knew more about anxiety, i wish i had the energy, time and money to deal with it once and for all. but i don't, so like everyone else with any sort of baggage, i stuff it inside and carry it with me, and try my best to cope when it threatens to burst out.

i'm looking forward to a roadtrip, just myself and my little entourage, to see some loved ones this weekend. long drives through the country help to ground me a little so i'm eager for that. spending time in a group, though, is agonizing, so mentally preparing for that is, well, exhausting. it's not just the anxiety that scares me, it's also the other issues that have come along with anxiety... someday, when i'm ready, i will have the courage to be open about those, too.

for now, i'm surrounding myself with photos of places and times that have been more peaceful, because i'm bound and determined to make the monster back off... i will have SOME sort of fun, because sometimes, i do deserve it. :)

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the walk

 Well deep in the woods where nothing is seen
A tightrope is strung to his heel
And high on the walk
He's down on one knee
He waits for the slow of the breeze

Oh
Wow
Look at him now on his feet
High up in the sky
And every moment stands endlessly
It feels as though time isn't moving
And every second
One breath not to breathe
I watch as he moves to the beat

While I'm on the floor
I watch from my seat
I watch as he sways with the trees
And slowly he moves but so elegantly
I'm more on the edge of my seat

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh

Everyone waits on the walk
Some are long and some small but all of them tall
Everyone must make a choice
Will I go for it all and possibly fall
The tightrope is thin
I could possibly win on the walk

Well high on the walk
The tightrope it bends and nobody knows where it ends
To win or to lose
You're all on your own
Everyone must be alone

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh
Fear
("the walk", hanson)
*~*

 

the last few years have been bizarre, for lack of a better all-encompassing term. i can't begin to estimate how many times i've heard the words, "it's over now, so you're free to move on"; how i wish that were true! the thing i've learned about tragedy is that you can move forward but it all comes with you. you see, every time you experience an emotion (good or bad), a chemical imprint is left in your body's tissues. it never leaves. you may not remember it, but your body does... always. it's always a part of you.
 

i was diagnosed with ptsd last year. working on healing is a process- a long process that doesn't necessarily end because it's like an onion. each bit of progress also uncovers a new thing, things that have been buried deep. maybe a big thing, maybe a small thing. honestly, there are days where i wish i had never started because the process is too painful. i hesitate to admit this because i realize now that there will always be those who will turn my words against me... but this process, this healing process, is one step forward and two leaps back. the anxiety and depression has been quite close to debilitating some days. i wish i could just bare all, get it all out, but there are other battles that i can't share just yet. maybe someday.
 

i wish, just wish so hard, that everyone could know and understand the true extent of the emotional trauma caused by remi's medical kidnapping. the ones who had a negative hand in it all... if they only knew!!! the ones who had a positive place in it, they have been a huge support and that has meant SO much.

"the walk" has been an inspiring song for me lately... we all have to walk this walk of life. some days are full of fear, some days are less scary. some days things are clear... others, it's all a fog. some days i've fallen, some days i've ended the day flailing but still standing. but i've chosen to try again, even when i didn' want to.
 

a photo from one of the days that i decided to keep walking; thank you to my sis for snapping it. one of the few things that keeps me going are these four little faces: so much love and a lot of mischief!

 

being publicly candid about all of this is FAR outside my comfort zone, even if i'm only sharing a little bit. the fear that someone might take my words and use them against me is very real- i know that sharing my journey might help another, though. i'm not looking for drama, not trying to catastrophize, not seeking attention. just simply sharing because it's important for people to know that trauma is real and the effects are often devastating. y'all need to know that it's not a sign of weakness, to end up with depression, anxiety or other mental illness as a result of a horrible experience! it's not weakness and you're not alone.

*~*

 

(**disclaimer: i'm very aware that i'm not the only one to have lasting effects of our experience... my kids, my husband, other family members have been affected, too. it's not my intention to minimalize their personal experiences- i'm merely sharing mine.**)