the view from here

i've often wondered how different this shot would look in the clear day, instead of in cloud cover (quite literally in an actual cloud). maybe someday i'll have a chance to go back to this same exact spot on a warm, sunny day and find out.

it amazes me how simple weather can change how things look; even our mental "weather". or the circumstances of our current position in life. would things look any different to me right now if even one small thing were different, or not so much?

recently, i made a dumb mistake in revealing something i'm struggling with, to someone i trust. no details, just that the struggle is there. it just sort of stumbled out. the response was a short pause, then the words "well, don't make a big deal out of it". at first, it hurt. that night, by myself, i cried, because it hurt. a LOT. then, after a few days, i realized that this person's viewpoint and current position in life is much different than mine. while the advice wasn't supportive nor do-able, it made me a little less sad and angry, and also very very glad that they DON'T understand, because they don't have to. the struggle has never been theirs to understand, and i'm thankful that they've never known the pain for themselves. glad that they've been spared from having to know. their vision of this particular thing is obscured by not knowing, and that's ok.

but please, friends... or anyone who reads this anymore... if someone confides in you, never brush it off because you don't understand. simply offer to be there. it helps more than you know!

and who knows... maybe someday, i'll have a clearer vision, too, on the other side of this thing.

::untitled, no.2::

solitude. because sometimes, your head is too loud.

*~*

"for those who understand, no explanation is needed.

for those who do not understand, no explanation is possible."

wanderer

sloop john b || beach boys

teach your children || hanson

little man || sonny & cher

little boxes || malvina reynolds

harmour love || syreeta

dominique || soeur sourire

bohemian rhapsody || queen

don't let the sun go down on me || elton john

home || phillip phillips

dragostea din tei || o-zone

these walls || hanson

the wanderer || johnny cash, feat. u2

scream and be free || hanson

*-*

this little conglomeration of tunes makes up my favorite playlist for cardio sessions. a mix of oldies and newer songs, different styles, each one either an emotional inspiration or just plain fun to fuel me through the goal time i set for myself. my favorite, lately, has been "the wanderer".

"...i went with nothing

but the thought you'd be there too

looking for you..."

feels like that's what i've been doing lately: wandering through life, looking for myself. the self that got lost through all the mess in arkansas and the aftermath that followed. the aftermath that continues. i'm not the same person i was, and i haven't a clue who i am anymore. life marches on, day after day. and often i feel stuck in the one point in time that i wish never existed. i'm here, but i'm not. dissociation, maybe?

"r" and i started some therapy with an amazing practitioner a year ago, but because of our circumstances, having regular on-going sessions is impossible. this therapy, he warned, would bring out other things that may have been buried deep inside. he wasn't joking. sometimes, i wish that i had never started therapy. sometimes, it feels like the buried demons that are now waking and starting to roar don't make it worth the effort to heal. often, i feel more of a mess now than i did a year ago. make no mistake: it's a wonderful opportunity, and i'm so grateful for it. i just have to remember that in time, it will hopefully be sorted out into something easier to manage. the therapy has really helped "r", which is incredibly important because he's so young and can't process his experience the way us adults can. weird statement, since even us grown-ups have a hard time making sense of it (there is no sense. this never should have happened).

maybe one of these days, as i'm wandering around inside my head, i'll stumble upon myself. till then, i shall enjoy the scenery.