|| journey ||

* * *

it's true that so many of the paths we take are by choice.... but there are parts of the road that are not our choice. they have been designated for us; sometimes they're awesome, sometimes they're awful. no amount of praying, no matter what we choose, we can't change those parts. you never, ever know what part of someone's journey has been by choice and which has not; never judge or invalidate another's current circumstances because you have no way of knowing whether it's by choice or not.

there are things that i'm dealing with that are far from choice.... no amount of saying, "if only i had...." or "i wish i had done ____ differently" is going to make a difference. no matter what i could have done or should have done differently, those things would still be here.

depression and anxiety are not choices... i never asked to have my dna and brain wired for it. don't tell me to calm down or that happiness is a choice. i've been living with this since i was very young (and finally admitting it now). nine years old... that is how early i can remember feeling this. same with body dysmorphia- i remember feeling so fat, so obese, like i was taking up too much space, even that young. i was a shrimpy kid, i can see that now. but the dysmorphia has followed me every day of my life. it's gotten worse- i hate mirrors, i feel like the biggest thing in the room, all i can see is how huge my body feels. this isn't vanity, this is real. this is my mind.

coming clean about this is... awkward. but i have a little solace in knowing that pretty much nobody reads my blog; i'm hoping that there is someone out there who DOES see it, says "oh, i get that so much!" and realizes they're not along... if that can happen, even for one person, it's worth it. being honest with yourself doesn't invalidate your issues or turn them into an imaginary thing, or a "you're just looking for attention" thing. never let someone tell you that. no, recognizing and acknowledging those things is a positive thing, and necessary for recovery (if/when you're ready for it). to that one person who might see this: stay strong, you're not alone!

the view from here

i've often wondered how different this shot would look in the clear day, instead of in cloud cover (quite literally in an actual cloud). maybe someday i'll have a chance to go back to this same exact spot on a warm, sunny day and find out.

it amazes me how simple weather can change how things look; even our mental "weather". or the circumstances of our current position in life. would things look any different to me right now if even one small thing were different, or not so much?

recently, i made a dumb mistake in revealing something i'm struggling with, to someone i trust. no details, just that the struggle is there. it just sort of stumbled out. the response was a short pause, then the words "well, don't make a big deal out of it". at first, it hurt. that night, by myself, i cried, because it hurt. a LOT. then, after a few days, i realized that this person's viewpoint and current position in life is much different than mine. while the advice wasn't supportive nor do-able, it made me a little less sad and angry, and also very very glad that they DON'T understand, because they don't have to. the struggle has never been theirs to understand, and i'm thankful that they've never known the pain for themselves. glad that they've been spared from having to know. their vision of this particular thing is obscured by not knowing, and that's ok.

but please, friends... or anyone who reads this anymore... if someone confides in you, never brush it off because you don't understand. simply offer to be there. it helps more than you know!

and who knows... maybe someday, i'll have a clearer vision, too, on the other side of this thing.

::untitled, no.2::

solitude. because sometimes, your head is too loud.

*~*

"for those who understand, no explanation is needed.

for those who do not understand, no explanation is possible."

wanderer

sloop john b || beach boys

teach your children || hanson

little man || sonny & cher

little boxes || malvina reynolds

harmour love || syreeta

dominique || soeur sourire

bohemian rhapsody || queen

don't let the sun go down on me || elton john

home || phillip phillips

dragostea din tei || o-zone

these walls || hanson

the wanderer || johnny cash, feat. u2

scream and be free || hanson

*-*

this little conglomeration of tunes makes up my favorite playlist for cardio sessions. a mix of oldies and newer songs, different styles, each one either an emotional inspiration or just plain fun to fuel me through the goal time i set for myself. my favorite, lately, has been "the wanderer".

"...i went with nothing

but the thought you'd be there too

looking for you..."

feels like that's what i've been doing lately: wandering through life, looking for myself. the self that got lost through all the mess in arkansas and the aftermath that followed. the aftermath that continues. i'm not the same person i was, and i haven't a clue who i am anymore. life marches on, day after day. and often i feel stuck in the one point in time that i wish never existed. i'm here, but i'm not. dissociation, maybe?

"r" and i started some therapy with an amazing practitioner a year ago, but because of our circumstances, having regular on-going sessions is impossible. this therapy, he warned, would bring out other things that may have been buried deep inside. he wasn't joking. sometimes, i wish that i had never started therapy. sometimes, it feels like the buried demons that are now waking and starting to roar don't make it worth the effort to heal. often, i feel more of a mess now than i did a year ago. make no mistake: it's a wonderful opportunity, and i'm so grateful for it. i just have to remember that in time, it will hopefully be sorted out into something easier to manage. the therapy has really helped "r", which is incredibly important because he's so young and can't process his experience the way us adults can. weird statement, since even us grown-ups have a hard time making sense of it (there is no sense. this never should have happened).

maybe one of these days, as i'm wandering around inside my head, i'll stumble upon myself. till then, i shall enjoy the scenery.

:: untitled, no. 1::

my creative juices have been tapped, it seems. finding a cute, witty title post is not on my list of "can do's". i will have to concede to my dad, king of puns.

-*-

-*-
"monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. they live inside us and sometimes, they win."
~stephen king~
 

today, i'm fighting to find my happy place. anxiety is a beast, y'all. if you have it chronically, you know what i'm talking about. just taking a quick trip to walmart for a few things usually puts me into crisis mode. i've learned to hide it well, though. on the outside, i'm  a busy mommy running errands with her small humans in tow, trying to incorporate some sort of lesson (math, life skills, etc) into whatever task we're trying to accomplish. on the inside, it's a scary crazy mess. my entire body is on survival mode, my mind is desperately looking for the nearest exit while fully aware that simply leaving the physical environment will not ease the turmoil. once home, peace starts to creep in; tentatively, hesitantly, cowering near the borders of my consciousness.

anxiety is very much a thief, robbing a person of normalcy. it is vindictive and jealous, taking over and squashing any calm, any relaxation, any fun that might wander in. it is scary, like a monster waiting just around the corner. it's smothering, hovering, like a toxic cloud. it is all-consuming, invisible, and very very real.

-*-

-*-

i wish i knew more about anxiety, i wish i had the energy, time and money to deal with it once and for all. but i don't, so like everyone else with any sort of baggage, i stuff it inside and carry it with me, and try my best to cope when it threatens to burst out.

i'm looking forward to a roadtrip, just myself and my little entourage, to see some loved ones this weekend. long drives through the country help to ground me a little so i'm eager for that. spending time in a group, though, is agonizing, so mentally preparing for that is, well, exhausting. it's not just the anxiety that scares me, it's also the other issues that have come along with anxiety... someday, when i'm ready, i will have the courage to be open about those, too.

for now, i'm surrounding myself with photos of places and times that have been more peaceful, because i'm bound and determined to make the monster back off... i will have SOME sort of fun, because sometimes, i do deserve it. :)

-*-



the walk

 Well deep in the woods where nothing is seen
A tightrope is strung to his heel
And high on the walk
He's down on one knee
He waits for the slow of the breeze

Oh
Wow
Look at him now on his feet
High up in the sky
And every moment stands endlessly
It feels as though time isn't moving
And every second
One breath not to breathe
I watch as he moves to the beat

While I'm on the floor
I watch from my seat
I watch as he sways with the trees
And slowly he moves but so elegantly
I'm more on the edge of my seat

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh

Everyone waits on the walk
Some are long and some small but all of them tall
Everyone must make a choice
Will I go for it all and possibly fall
The tightrope is thin
I could possibly win on the walk

Well high on the walk
The tightrope it bends and nobody knows where it ends
To win or to lose
You're all on your own
Everyone must be alone

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh
Fear
("the walk", hanson)
*~*

 

the last few years have been bizarre, for lack of a better all-encompassing term. i can't begin to estimate how many times i've heard the words, "it's over now, so you're free to move on"; how i wish that were true! the thing i've learned about tragedy is that you can move forward but it all comes with you. you see, every time you experience an emotion (good or bad), a chemical imprint is left in your body's tissues. it never leaves. you may not remember it, but your body does... always. it's always a part of you.
 

i was diagnosed with ptsd last year. working on healing is a process- a long process that doesn't necessarily end because it's like an onion. each bit of progress also uncovers a new thing, things that have been buried deep. maybe a big thing, maybe a small thing. honestly, there are days where i wish i had never started because the process is too painful. i hesitate to admit this because i realize now that there will always be those who will turn my words against me... but this process, this healing process, is one step forward and two leaps back. the anxiety and depression has been quite close to debilitating some days. i wish i could just bare all, get it all out, but there are other battles that i can't share just yet. maybe someday.
 

i wish, just wish so hard, that everyone could know and understand the true extent of the emotional trauma caused by remi's medical kidnapping. the ones who had a negative hand in it all... if they only knew!!! the ones who had a positive place in it, they have been a huge support and that has meant SO much.

"the walk" has been an inspiring song for me lately... we all have to walk this walk of life. some days are full of fear, some days are less scary. some days things are clear... others, it's all a fog. some days i've fallen, some days i've ended the day flailing but still standing. but i've chosen to try again, even when i didn' want to.
 

a photo from one of the days that i decided to keep walking; thank you to my sis for snapping it. one of the few things that keeps me going are these four little faces: so much love and a lot of mischief!

 

being publicly candid about all of this is FAR outside my comfort zone, even if i'm only sharing a little bit. the fear that someone might take my words and use them against me is very real- i know that sharing my journey might help another, though. i'm not looking for drama, not trying to catastrophize, not seeking attention. just simply sharing because it's important for people to know that trauma is real and the effects are often devastating. y'all need to know that it's not a sign of weakness, to end up with depression, anxiety or other mental illness as a result of a horrible experience! it's not weakness and you're not alone.

*~*

 

(**disclaimer: i'm very aware that i'm not the only one to have lasting effects of our experience... my kids, my husband, other family members have been affected, too. it's not my intention to minimalize their personal experiences- i'm merely sharing mine.**)



and it's not even may...

it feels like we've already packed a year's-worth into life since the new year... and it's not even may yet! life does NOT slow down, so i've been more appreciative of those quiet times when it feels like time is standing still, just for a few moments. those moments are, more often than not, when max is nursing. 

anyway... my photos uploaded in reverse order and i'm not about to re-do it, or i'll never get this posted, so please excuse the time rewind. :)

 remi was diagnosed last night with shingles. yes, shingles. he's had the varicella vaccination, so given that and his young age, the attending resident insisted it was a bug bite or contact dermatitis on his little leg. however, a doctor asked to see it as we were in the process of being discharged, and he immedieatey diagnosed the rash as shingles. he said he'd never personally seen it in someone as young as remi, and someone from the pediatric unit  came down to look and to take pictures. he has a follow-up with a pediatrician this afternoon.

 and two days prior, we were at the e.r. for cole. he was goofing around on his bunkbed and fell off. x-rays showed no broken bones, so they treated him for a sprain and splinted it for stabilization. he'll keep it on for aweek, and he should be fine. 

 this little boy... melts my heart.

 huge pinecone, anyone? 

 cole lost his second tooth shortly after we got to aiken. this time, he didn't swallow it. :)

 miss madison enjoying her meal at cracker barrel one sunday. we went out with some friends and had a great time!

 three days after arriving, this happened. front end first...

 ...then the back end. nobody was hurt, thankfully, and after waiting for a week and a half, we were back to being mobile in a new van. 

had to share this... his dimples and smile just take my breath away! such a happy, contented little man, only cranky when it's warranted. great sleeper, good eater, smart, funny, loving... he's learned to give hugs. those tiny arms wrapped around our necks are just the sweetest thing. he says "na-na" (no-no) in context, copies us when we say "boo" or "what's that", says mama and dada sometimes. watching these four precious munchkins grow and learn is thebmost amazing gift!