wanderer

sloop john b || beach boys

teach your children || hanson

little man || sonny & cher

little boxes || malvina reynolds

harmour love || syreeta

dominique || soeur sourire

bohemian rhapsody || queen

don't let the sun go down on me || elton john

home || phillip phillips

dragostea din tei || o-zone

these walls || hanson

the wanderer || johnny cash, feat. u2

scream and be free || hanson

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this little conglomeration of tunes makes up my favorite playlist for cardio sessions. a mix of oldies and newer songs, different styles, each one either an emotional inspiration or just plain fun to fuel me through the goal time i set for myself. my favorite, lately, has been "the wanderer".

"...i went with nothing

but the thought you'd be there too

looking for you..."

feels like that's what i've been doing lately: wandering through life, looking for myself. the self that got lost through all the mess in arkansas and the aftermath that followed. the aftermath that continues. i'm not the same person i was, and i haven't a clue who i am anymore. life marches on, day after day. and often i feel stuck in the one point in time that i wish never existed. i'm here, but i'm not. dissociation, maybe?

"r" and i started some therapy with an amazing practitioner a year ago, but because of our circumstances, having regular on-going sessions is impossible. this therapy, he warned, would bring out other things that may have been buried deep inside. he wasn't joking. sometimes, i wish that i had never started therapy. sometimes, it feels like the buried demons that are now waking and starting to roar don't make it worth the effort to heal. often, i feel more of a mess now than i did a year ago. make no mistake: it's a wonderful opportunity, and i'm so grateful for it. i just have to remember that in time, it will hopefully be sorted out into something easier to manage. the therapy has really helped "r", which is incredibly important because he's so young and can't process his experience the way us adults can. weird statement, since even us grown-ups have a hard time making sense of it (there is no sense. this never should have happened).

maybe one of these days, as i'm wandering around inside my head, i'll stumble upon myself. till then, i shall enjoy the scenery.