in which i wear my heart on my sleeve.

i hesitate to even post this... i've learned, over the years, that sometimes it's easier to deal with things that are on your mind by yourself. just keep it between you and whoever lives in the recesses of your brain (joke). even though you just need to vent, that it's better not to. lucky for me, i've got some pretty special friends and family that i can count on.

two years ago, we discovered that madison wasn't growing like she should. in the end, she was fine, caught up and is now close to average size for her age, still on the petite side. in the beginning, i was scared. part of me felt silly for being consumed with the "what if's" and not being able to fully ignore the dreadful possibilities, however unlikely. i knew, deep down, that everything would be ok in the end and that one day, i'd be able to stop worrying so much. i guess that's the one bad thing about being a mom: you can't escape the worry. ever. even when it's far-fetched. but as i said, in the end, things with madison turned out fine and there were no underlying problems to explain her lack of growth.

then, enter this little man: total deja vu. well, at first it was. now, not so much. he's a sweet, laid-back, smiley little boy who is discovering that he can make more sounds with his little mouth than just "ooo". his bright eyes take my breath away and the fact that he's so quick to smile melts my heart into a total puddle.
he also scares me. i won't lie. the past few months there have been concern about his growth, just as there was with madison two years ago. at first, i was content just to think, "well, he's his own person, so he's probably just meant to be petite. he's strong and alert, so there's no reason for any major concern. just feed him on demand and he'll be fine. besides, as long as his growth pattern is steady, there's nothing to worry about". so i was all set to handle round two of this whole thing with a relaxed smile. because we'd been through it before. and all was well.
but wait... he's his own person, so if that means he shouldn't be expected to grow just like the others, then that also means that just because madison was fine, there's no guarantee that theres' nothing wrong with him too, right? as i scrape my mountain back into a molehill, i can't help but wonder once again if my fears are unfounded or if this time, there really is something to worry about. i know full well that compared to what some parents have to endure in terms of worrying about their little ones that this is small potatoes. microscopic, really. as i ponder the last few months, going over remington's itty-bitty weight gain, the information we've gathered over the past few weeks and what it all could (or might not) mean, i continue my dizzying swing between worry and terror. after all, despite being smiley and happy, the fact that my five-month old weighs less than many one-month-olds is concerning. he's at an age when not only should he be gaining measureable weight each week, but his nutrition has a big impact on more than just his physical development. he's already about 4 pounds less than he should be (give or take a little)... so when his weight check today showed no progress from last week, i can't help but feel a slightn (ok, maybe not so slight...) panic. his pre-feeding weight last week was 10 lbs, 8 oz and some odd tenths of an ounce for good measure. today his post-feeding weight was just barely 10 lbs 8 oz... the scale waivered between 7 and 8 before finally settling on 8. the past week and a half has found me trying different things (lactation supplements, more frequent feedings, pumping in addition to feedings, using little tricks and gizmos to get more into rem's tiny tummy) and frankly, the lack of progress has me not only frustrated but definitely scared.
now, tomorrow's another day and i may very well feel differently tomorrow about everything than i do today. who knows? it's almost like being pregnant all over again with these crazy mood swings (for lack of a better expression). i might just wake up in the morning, slap my forehead and say, "oh geez, silly girl. always worrying over nothing.", or maybe i'll bolt out of bed to make sure my tiny boy is ok. and yes, i still say that, knowing full well that there are parents out there that do that because they have to, because there really are major, life-threatening concerns that drive their fear-ometer through the roof. sometimes putting it into perspective like that helps bring me back down to an even keel... and then sometimes, my inner self defends my panic by telling me it's all relative; i haven't had to experience constant the hardships that some other parents have to face so in that respect, i have a right to feel a bit crazy.
so that's my heart. on my sleeve. the condensed version. indeedy-do, my head's just a swarming mass of thought all buzzing to be heard so there's a lot more in there. and yes, i'm fully aware that it could be much, much worse and i'm in total agreement that when everything pans out and remington catches up, no worse for the wear, that i'll feel like a doorknob for letting my irrational fears take hold (and worse, admitting them). but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
and to those special people that let me vent and voice my fears, if i didn't already say it or haven't said it enough... thank you. and i love you. :)

birthdays, bikes, braids, baby boys...

so... as promised, i am posting photos of cole's birthday. late, yes, but still posting. (this is becoming the story of my bloglife: "better late than never".)

cole kind of saw the stash of balloons i'd gotten for his celebration, so we blew a few up in the afternoon, after madi and remington were down for their naps.

cole had grandma all to himself and he thought it was the perfect opportunity to toss around a balloon! after all, what's a birthday without balloons? especially since we saved the cake and (all but one of) the presents for saturday.


he had fun. i've never seen a kid stay in one spot and still have so much fun! to be honest, i think grandma had fun too :)

when i asked cole what he wanted on his birthday cake this year, he initially said "thomas!". well, i didn't have the time, space or supplies to do a thomas the train cake (although in my head, i had a fun detailed setup. maybe next year, if he's still into thomas then), so his next choice was a tractor pull. that was more doable...

...frosting, crushed graham crackers and some toy tractors from fleet farm. had it not been for the somewhat recent trips to the symco tractor pull and the antique military and tractor show, i'm not sure he'd have had a second choice beyond thomas. in any case, he was pretty pleased that he had a tractor pull on his cake (minus the actual sled. but he didn't notice that.).

four candles! i can hardly believe i have a four-year-old now. *sigh*

he was quicker than me with blowing out those candles... i thought he'd kind of hesitate, since it's been a year since the last time he got to blow out candles. boy, was i wrong. he practically jumped on 'em.

after cake there were presents, of course! he got some birthday money in one of his cards. as i was reading the card to him, i tried to slip it out of sight so i could put it somewhere safe, but he saw it...

... gasped, "oh! some money", folded it up and stuck it in his pocket. smart kid, he is! i nabbed it later so it didn't get lost or go through the wash, and one of these days, maybe he and i can take a little shopping trip together, just the two of us. you know, before he's too old to be seen shopping with his mom. because that time will come before i know it, too...

the last box he opened was from his grandma and grandpa- knowing what he was getting from us, they got him a helmet. it didn't really occur to him that he needed something to ride on too, so he was just happy that he had something to wear on his head. easy to please :)

when daddy brought out his bike, his face lit up like no other. i wish i'd been on the other side to catch his expression, but alas, i was in the wrong place at the wrong time. poo. but i assure you, he was on cloud nine. he took it for a quick spin round the living room, then with some help from uncle ted, took it outside where there was more room.

he got some pointers from his new friends, but he'd already gotten it down pat. for a kid that's refused to use the pedals on any other ride-ons for the past two years, he sure picked up the bike thing fast. it was like he'd been riding all his life, and after the first two hesitant corners, he was circling the house like a tiny tornado on a shiny red bike. he insisted that grandma go with him, so my poor mom happily obliged supervising his rounds around the yard. he was at it for a long time!

see? he's doin' great! :)

cole's not the only one who got a package or two... remington got something in the mail too! after some research on its effectiveness and positive recommendations from a lot of friends, we decided to order an amber teething necklace for him. there's acids in the amber that, when heated to body temperature are absorbed into the skin and have calming properties. people use it for relief from anxiety, chronic pain and yes, teething. i wasn't sure just how well it was working until two days later when i'd taken it off of remington and forgotten to put it back on; i couldn't figure out just why he was so fussy, and then it dawned on me: he wasn't wearing his amber. sure enough- about a half-hour or so after having it on again, he was calm. so now he wears it almost all the time, and he's one happy little boy.

we attempted madison's first french braid... not bad, considering she wasn't that keen on sitting still just then and i didn't have the spray bottle handy to mist her hair down.

our princess <3

this past wednesday, remington was had a weight check and feeding observation. he's up to 10.5 lbs on the dot... a 6-oz gain in the last month! it's not enough, but it's something. it was mentioned that it appears that his facial muscles may be weaker than they should be, so he's to see a speech therapist on tuesday. the way it was explained to me is that because he's having to work two or three times as hard to get fed, his body isn't able to properly use what he's taking in (which is not enough to begin with, most likely because he just gets too tired to try for more). so basically, they think he's using all of what he gets to fuel his attempts at nursing, rather than for growing and developing because he has to work so much harder for it. we'll see what happens on tuesday, and we'll know more then. in the meantime, he's a happy little five-month-old pipsqueak who still doesn't fit in his bumbo...

... but won't give up trying!

(notice how he's trying to open his hands more? still, he almost always has them in fists...)

stare-down with the froggy.

see? he's happy! he's got the most infectious grin, in my opinion. then again, i'm a little biased...

remington's sunday outfit for today; the poor kid doesn't have much for dress clothes because he's using cole's old baby clothes, which are mostly onesies and little jeans. i keep putting off getting more because for one, he's a baby so he doesn't really need to be too dressy and two, about the time i shell out for some fancy duds, he'll have a growth spurt. or if he doesn't, then he'll be stuck in the wrong clothes for the season. anyway, the jeans, shoes and socks are all part of the outfit he wore home from the hospital. so out of curiosity, i dug out the onesie that he wore home to see if it still fit.

it did.

then, i got to thinking... it would be neat to see how much his little face has changed since the first time he wore that outfit, and to my horror, i discovered that we never took any shots of him wearing his little homecoming outfit!! the one above is the closest we have- you can see his jeans. in all the crazy, complication-induced madness, special instructions and desperation to finally get home already, we'd forgotten to take photos before packing the camera bag back into the van. now i'm kicking myself for not double-checking that we had that base covered. grr. but in my defense, we had so many other things to think and worry about. ooops. oh well; at least we remembered to take any sort of photos!!

anyway, that's been our life the past week and a half- hope yours was great too! :)

memo: do NOT blink. ever.

where on earth did the last four years go?? you always hear someone say "don't blink or you'll miss it"; generally speaking, it's mostly applied to tiny po-dunk towns, really fast cycles or little roadside attractions. or the random well-hidden turn-off on the way to someone's house. so when i think of where the last four years have gone, well... i guess i blinked a few too many times, because they've just flown by.

our dear coley has gone from a tiny, chubby-cheeked newborn...

... to a corn-husking, tractor/thomas/curious george/four-wheeler/book-loving, smart-as-a-whip little boy. and it seems it's happened overnight. i know he's only four and that in another four years, i'll again lament that the time's gone by too fast, but for some reason, it's hit me a little harder this year than last years. this birthday has snuck up on me. i'm totally not ready to have a four-year-old. (that's me, in denial... *sob!*)
we're waiting to celebrate until saturday, but he still gets some special treatment today: he was treated to lunch by grandma! well, we all were... mom came over, took us to culver's, then we played at the playground for a little while and now as the younger two are napping, cole's playing with his beloved grandma. no nap today for him... after all, being four means you're allowed to skip one now and again. especially on your birthday. and tonight after supper, we do have a small gift for him to open on his actual birthday... but the real present will have to wait till saturday. :)
happy birthday, "baby" boy! we love you oh, so very very much. <3

and what did YOU do last week?

i don't know about you, but our entire last week was pretty cram-packed. there were pedicures (some manicures too), new people to meet, lots to do... there were

showers

and lace

and flowers

and well-wishers...

and lots more! for those of you who are on facebook, you've more than likely seen a host of photos (from others as well as myself), so for those that don't have facebook, here's a link to the album i posted there: just click here!

(don't worry, you won't be asked to sign up- you'll be able to view it without joining facebook, in case you're worried about that.)

the day of the wedding, madison woke up with some congestion and was obviously feeling lousy. now, all three kids are crabby, have congestion and just don't feel great. i've got a sore throat and feel achy too, but i'm sure it'll pass quickly.

we had a little scare with cole's ear; he went to bed fine on saturday night and woke up with a swollen, protruding ear the next morning. he said it didn't hurt, we know he didn't bump it and we couldn't fin any sign of a bug bite, sting or other irritation. it didn't go away, so that evening i looked online to see if there was any suggestions as to what it could be. the only thing i found was something called a mastoid ear infection, which involves infection of the mastiod process (the bone that you can feel on the side of your head behind your ear). none of what it involved sounded good, but after consulting a friend (thank you, brooke!!!), i decided to wait till morning. today, it's much better. normally, an ear infection means a fever, but cole's been diagnosed with a double ear infection twice without showing any other symptoms (fever, indication of pain or discomfort, etc)... both times, i took him in for pink eye. so who knows if he's had more than that, how many or for how long. tough lil man, eh? anyway, it must've been a sting or bite of some sort and we just couldn't find the site of the irritation. (oh, and please excuse the face he's making- he crossed his eyes just as i took the photo, then laughed about making silly eyes. goof.)

rear view of cole's poor ear.

obviously, after the last week, we're pretty tired, so i'm going to keep this short. it was a wonderful week, though, full of excitement, planning, meeting new people we can now call "family", celebration, food, cousins... i'll leave you with sweet remington "waving" goodbye!

:)

pictureless, priceless, it's all the same!

i DO have photos from the last few days... i just haven't had the time to load OR blog them. it'll be a few days more, i'm afraid- we've got a baby sister to marry off!! three days till the wedding, three days till she becomes a beautiful bride, three days till we get a 'new' brother and three days till they start their new lives together. we couldn't be more excited!

so... since i don't have any photos to share right this moment, i'll share some good one-liners that we've heard from miss squish in the last week. she's come up with some doozies! not only is she smart (she identified correctly, on the first try, all the letters in "thank you" on the goodwill shopping cart handle. up-side down.), she's become a pint-sized comedienne.

last week as she was sitting on the big potty attempting her "big business", she happened to pass some gas. she looked up at her daddy and said, "daddy! that sounds like my poop is skweeeeming!". i missed it, i was out doing real estate photos, but i heard all about it when i got home and it was just the ginormous giggle i needed. what a goof.

this morning, as i was whipping up cake for sarah's bridal shower, kelvin came into the kitchen and asked, "whatcha doin', baby?"; madi hollered from her highchair, "mama is NOT a baby, dad!". right you are, princess... and since when did you start calling your daddy "dad"? (i think she learned that from her older brother. yes, it bugs me... *sigh*.)

yup, our wee lass has us giggling a lot these days, and frustrated the rest of the time. she's hit the "terrible two's" full-swing. even though she's half-way to three (gah!!), she's just now developing the attitude. well, i shouldn't say that- she's just now letting it out full-tilt is what i really meant, i suppose. in any case, it's never boring around here, that's for sure!

(oh, and her big and little brother? they're just fine too... but they've kept the one-liners on the dl, so nothing hilarious to report from them. yet.)

guess

who

tried


his

first cereal?

guess who didn't like it?

that was friday... three days later, he doesn't like it any more than he did the first time. flat-out refuses it, but this morning we managed to get about two little spoonfuls down him (on accident- he sure wasn't intending to swallow!!). we'll keep trying, gently of course. his 4-month check-up was today, and he weighed in at 10 lbs, 2 oz (there's no percentile for that- he's off the bottom of the chart) and measured 23 3/4 inches (10th-ish percentile). despite his lack of weight gain, he's incredibly strong, which please dr h- he pulled remington up to gauge his neck stability, and rem just clung to his thumbs for dear life. dr h kept pulling, and then we both got a good laugh out of seeing rem just hanging from his thumbs, legs stiff as boards, tiny arms flexed so he was literally doing a chin-up... what he lacks in weight he makes up for in muscle! he's up 5 oz since his 2-month visit, and a 1/2 inch taller. that's a very small amount, so we're to bring him in for quick weight checks whenever we're near the clinic. everything else checks out fine, though- he's alert, rolling, holding himself very well, cooing, following objects with his eyes... he's keeping up fine with all that. my concern is that he doesn't like to bend his legs, straighten his arms or open his hands, but i was told that at this point, babies develop differently so there's no reason to worry. hopefully he'll chunk up in the next two months and his size will be closer to normal. he's healthy and that's all that's important for now. we always say our babies grow up too fast- remington must've heard it and decided to stretch out his "little time" :)

rice on the side, please

last post i griped about the new blogger dashboard... nothing i did seemed to make it change back. but sometime, somehow, it DID revert and now i'm oh-so-pleased. it's the little things, ya know?

anyway, we've been keeping busy in our cyber-absence:

kelvin found a curious george treasure hunt game for the kids. yes, they've got daddy wrapped around their sweet little fingers! they had a blast with it, and it's going to be great for teaching them to take turns and follow instructions. (and there goes mommy, taking the fun out of the game, hahahaha!)

remington didn't get to play, but he did get snuggles with daddy after cole and madison were in bed. i had to laugh because he looked so itty-bitty sitting there.

oh, and then the grin-a-thon started!

i think he was mid-coo during this one... and it still makes me laugh when i see it! his eyes are always so bright, sometimes i feel my breath catch. if you're a parent, you know the feeling... :)

we love bubbles here. goodness knows this little guy's been making his share lately... it's like a tiny, human bubble-machine. (sort of)

all by his big-boy self on the loveseat! his latest thing is sticking his feet up in the air and just staring at them. makes me really wonder what's going through his sweet, tiny noggin.

auntie sarah introduced him to hair "pretties" last week- they sure caught his eye! poor little baby was the ONLY guy at the bridal shop, which happened to be positively swarming that particular evening. crazy-busy for a small-town store, that's for sure. he was a trooper, though, and got plenty of attention.

we're getting serious about potty-training.

we've had a small bit of resistance, but nothing so bad that the promise of a gummy bear for a job well-done can't fix. let's see- today's stats, as of noon: two potties, two gummy bears, and if you'll excuse me for JUST a moment, the first accident (of the day). she's learning and i've found that unlike cole, who used the regular toilet straightaway and needed one of us to be with him from start to finish, madi prefers the potty chair and her privacy. whatever works- just so long as she gets trained! i think she's doing splendidly for her first few "serious" days :)

my first attempt at homemade pudding. i wanted to make chocolate, but that means NO egg whites and i though separating a bunch of eggs would be too much work. now that i've done vanilla pudding with whole eggs, i'm thinking that getting the right cooking temp for any pudding with egg whites is slightly more difficult that separating eggs. it tastes yummy, but there are little bits of cooked egg white because apparently, the heat was a tad on the high side. but still- for a first attempt, i'm happy with it! and the kids love it, so i'm calling it a success.

remington's first time in the highchair! poor baby gets banished to the floor or his carseat when i'm working in the kitchen (for safety reasons, i almost never put him in the moby when i'm in the kitchen. i'm a klutz and the moby isn't flame- or sharp-object-proof.), and he usually protests. this time he was at my level and was a bit more satisfied.

i was snapping a photo of his little legs and feet up in the air but the look on his face in the background is too funny- totally makes the shot! anyway, he's got a little more growing to do before he's able to really utilize the highchair. he'd better hurry, because i'm already getting his "big boy" menu planned out...

sunday-morning snuggles!

remi and curious george are roughly the same size...

crabby much? ;)

brothers!

cole wanted to hold his brother "like mommy and daddy do's".

madi in her sunday get-up- i found the skirt at goodwill; it was an old navy piece, size 5, but with a few strategic tucks around the waistband, she can wear it now AND when she's actually in a size 5.

sharing secrets with auntie sarah; wonder what she told him?

here's our rice! it's not on the side, but it IS finely ground and stored in a container, ready to be cooked up for remington's first cereal. i used brown rice (because it's a whole grain, therefore not refined and full of starch) and stuck it on our coffee grinder on the "espresso" setting. when our little guy is ready for his first bites, i'll mix one part ground rice with eight parts filtered water, cook it on the stovetop for 10-ish minutes, let it cool a little, thin as needed and let him devour it! or cry and spit it out, whatever. either way, it's wholesome, SUPER cheap and easy to make. and i can even make a little extra to put in the fridge so all we have to do is reheat and thin it out. remington will be four months next monday, so it won't be long before he gets his first taste :)