in which i wear my heart on my sleeve.

i hesitate to even post this... i've learned, over the years, that sometimes it's easier to deal with things that are on your mind by yourself. just keep it between you and whoever lives in the recesses of your brain (joke). even though you just need to vent, that it's better not to. lucky for me, i've got some pretty special friends and family that i can count on.

two years ago, we discovered that madison wasn't growing like she should. in the end, she was fine, caught up and is now average size for her age. in the beginning, i was scared. part of me felt silly for being consumed with the "what if's" and not being able to fully ignore the dreadful possibilities, however unlikely. i knew, deep down, that everything would be ok in the end and that one day, i'd be able to stop worrying so much. i guess that's the one bad thing about being a mom: you can't escape the worry. ever. even when it's far-fetched. but as i said, in the end, things with madison turned out fine and there were no underlying problems to explain her lack of growth.

then, enter this little man: total deja vu. well, at first it was. now, not so much. he's a sweet, laid-back, smiley little boy who is discovering that he can make more sounds with his little mouth than just "ooo". his bright eyes take my breath away and the fact that he's so quick to smile melts my heart into a total puddle.
he also scares me. i won't lie. the past few months there have been concern about his growth, just as there was with madison two years ago. at first, i was content just to think, "well, he's his own person, so he's probably just meant to be petite. he's strong and alert, so there's no reason for any major concern. just feed him on demand and he'll be fine. besides, as long as his growth pattern is steady, there's nothing to worry about". so i was all set to handle round two of this whole thing with a relaxed smile. because we'd been through it before. and all was well.
but wait... he's his own person, so if that means he shouldn't be expected to grow just like the others, then that also means that just because madison was fine, there's no guarantee that theres' nothing wrong with him too, right? as i scrape my mountain back into a molehill, i can't help but wonder once again if my fears are unfounded or if this time, there really is something to worry about. i know full well that compared to what some parents have to endure in terms of worrying about their little ones that this is small potatoes. microscopic, really. as i ponder the last few months, going over remington's itty-bitty weight gain, the information we've gathered over the past few weeks and what it all could (or might not) mean, i continue my dizzying swing between nonchalance and terror. after all, despite being smiley and happy, the fact that my five-month old weighs less than many one-month-olds is a tad bit concerning. he's at an age when not only should he be gaining measureable weight each week, but his nutrition has a big impact on more than just his physical development. he's already about 4 pounds less than he should be (give or take a little)... so when his weight check today showed no progress from last week, i can't help but feel a slight panic. his pre-feeding weight last week was 10 lbs, 8 oz and some odd tenths of an ounce for good measure. today his post-feeding weight was just barely 10 lbs 8 oz... the scale waivered between 7 and 8 before finally settling on 8. the past week and a half has found me trying different things (herbs, more frequent feedings, pumping in addition to feedings, using little tricks and gizmos to get more into rem's tiny tummy) and frankly, the lack of progress has me not only frustrated but definitely scared.
now, tomorrow's another day and i may very well feel differently tomorrow about everything than i do today. who knows? it's almost like being pregnant all over again with these crazy mood swings (for lack of a better expression). i might just wake up in the morning, slap my forehead and say, "oh geez, silly girl. always worrying over nothing.", or maybe i'll bolt out of bed to make sure my tiny boy is ok. and yes, i still say that, knowing full well that there are parents out there that do that because they have to, because there really are major, life-threatening concerns that drive their fear-ometer through the roof. sometimes putting it into perspective like that helps bring me back down to an even keel... and then sometimes, my inner self defends my panic by telling me it's all relative; i haven't had to experience constant the hardships that some other parents have to face so in that respect, i have a right to feel a bit crazy.
so that's my heart. on my sleeve. the condensed version. indeedy-do, my head's just a swarming mass of thought all buzzing to be heard so there's a lot more in there. and yes, i'm fully aware that it could be much, much worse and i'm in total agreement that when everything pans out and remington catches up, no worse for the wear, that i'll feel like a doorknob for letting my irrational fears take hold (and worse, admitting them). but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.
and to those special people that let me vent and voice my fears, if i didn't already say it or haven't said it enough... thank you. and i love you. :)