::untitled, no.2::

solitude. because sometimes, your head is too loud.

*~*

"for those who understand, no explanation is needed.

for those who do not understand, no explanation is possible."

wanderer

sloop john b || beach boys

teach your children || hanson

little man || sonny & cher

little boxes || malvina reynolds

harmour love || syreeta

dominique || soeur sourire

bohemian rhapsody || queen

don't let the sun go down on me || elton john

home || phillip phillips

dragostea din tei || o-zone

these walls || hanson

the wanderer || johnny cash, feat. u2

scream and be free || hanson

*-*

this little conglomeration of tunes makes up my favorite playlist for cardio sessions. a mix of oldies and newer songs, different styles, each one either an emotional inspiration or just plain fun to fuel me through the goal time i set for myself. my favorite, lately, has been "the wanderer".

"...i went with nothing

but the thought you'd be there too

looking for you..."

feels like that's what i've been doing lately: wandering through life, looking for myself. the self that got lost through all the mess in arkansas and the aftermath that followed. the aftermath that continues. i'm not the same person i was, and i haven't a clue who i am anymore. life marches on, day after day. and often i feel stuck in the one point in time that i wish never existed. i'm here, but i'm not. dissociation, maybe?

"r" and i started some therapy with an amazing practitioner a year ago, but because of our circumstances, having regular on-going sessions is impossible. this therapy, he warned, would bring out other things that may have been buried deep inside. he wasn't joking. sometimes, i wish that i had never started therapy. sometimes, it feels like the buried demons that are now waking and starting to roar don't make it worth the effort to heal. often, i feel more of a mess now than i did a year ago. make no mistake: it's a wonderful opportunity, and i'm so grateful for it. i just have to remember that in time, it will hopefully be sorted out into something easier to manage. the therapy has really helped "r", which is incredibly important because he's so young and can't process his experience the way us adults can. weird statement, since even us grown-ups have a hard time making sense of it (there is no sense. this never should have happened).

maybe one of these days, as i'm wandering around inside my head, i'll stumble upon myself. till then, i shall enjoy the scenery.

:: untitled, no. 1::

my creative juices have been tapped, it seems. finding a cute, witty title post is not on my list of "can do's". i will have to concede to my dad, king of puns.

-*-

-*-
"monsters are real, and ghosts are real, too. they live inside us and sometimes, they win."
~stephen king~
 

today, i'm fighting to find my happy place. anxiety is a beast, y'all. if you have it chronically, you know what i'm talking about. just taking a quick trip to walmart for a few things usually puts me into crisis mode. i've learned to hide it well, though. on the outside, i'm  a busy mommy running errands with her small humans in tow, trying to incorporate some sort of lesson (math, life skills, etc) into whatever task we're trying to accomplish. on the inside, it's a scary crazy mess. my entire body is on survival mode, my mind is desperately looking for the nearest exit while fully aware that simply leaving the physical environment will not ease the turmoil. once home, peace starts to creep in; tentatively, hesitantly, cowering near the borders of my consciousness.

anxiety is very much a thief, robbing a person of normalcy. it is vindictive and jealous, taking over and squashing any calm, any relaxation, any fun that might wander in. it is scary, like a monster waiting just around the corner. it's smothering, hovering, like a toxic cloud. it is all-consuming, invisible, and very very real.

-*-

-*-

i wish i knew more about anxiety, i wish i had the energy, time and money to deal with it once and for all. but i don't, so like everyone else with any sort of baggage, i stuff it inside and carry it with me, and try my best to cope when it threatens to burst out.

i'm looking forward to a roadtrip, just myself and my little entourage, to see some loved ones this weekend. long drives through the country help to ground me a little so i'm eager for that. spending time in a group, though, is agonizing, so mentally preparing for that is, well, exhausting. it's not just the anxiety that scares me, it's also the other issues that have come along with anxiety... someday, when i'm ready, i will have the courage to be open about those, too.

for now, i'm surrounding myself with photos of places and times that have been more peaceful, because i'm bound and determined to make the monster back off... i will have SOME sort of fun, because sometimes, i do deserve it. :)

-*-



the walk

 Well deep in the woods where nothing is seen
A tightrope is strung to his heel
And high on the walk
He's down on one knee
He waits for the slow of the breeze

Oh
Wow
Look at him now on his feet
High up in the sky
And every moment stands endlessly
It feels as though time isn't moving
And every second
One breath not to breathe
I watch as he moves to the beat

While I'm on the floor
I watch from my seat
I watch as he sways with the trees
And slowly he moves but so elegantly
I'm more on the edge of my seat

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh

Everyone waits on the walk
Some are long and some small but all of them tall
Everyone must make a choice
Will I go for it all and possibly fall
The tightrope is thin
I could possibly win on the walk

Well high on the walk
The tightrope it bends and nobody knows where it ends
To win or to lose
You're all on your own
Everyone must be alone

On the tightrope everything's bare
All that there is
Is from here to there

On the tightrope the goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
Fear
Oh
Fear
("the walk", hanson)
*~*

 

the last few years have been bizarre, for lack of a better all-encompassing term. i can't begin to estimate how many times i've heard the words, "it's over now, so you're free to move on"; how i wish that were true! the thing i've learned about tragedy is that you can move forward but it all comes with you. you see, every time you experience an emotion (good or bad), a chemical imprint is left in your body's tissues. it never leaves. you may not remember it, but your body does... always. it's always a part of you.
 

i was diagnosed with ptsd last year. working on healing is a process- a long process that doesn't necessarily end because it's like an onion. each bit of progress also uncovers a new thing, things that have been buried deep. maybe a big thing, maybe a small thing. honestly, there are days where i wish i had never started because the process is too painful. i hesitate to admit this because i realize now that there will always be those who will turn my words against me... but this process, this healing process, is one step forward and two leaps back. the anxiety and depression has been quite close to debilitating some days. i wish i could just bare all, get it all out, but there are other battles that i can't share just yet. maybe someday.
 

i wish, just wish so hard, that everyone could know and understand the true extent of the emotional trauma caused by remi's medical kidnapping. the ones who had a negative hand in it all... if they only knew!!! the ones who had a positive place in it, they have been a huge support and that has meant SO much.

"the walk" has been an inspiring song for me lately... we all have to walk this walk of life. some days are full of fear, some days are less scary. some days things are clear... others, it's all a fog. some days i've fallen, some days i've ended the day flailing but still standing. but i've chosen to try again, even when i didn' want to.
 

a photo from one of the days that i decided to keep walking; thank you to my sis for snapping it. one of the few things that keeps me going are these four little faces: so much love and a lot of mischief!

 

being publicly candid about all of this is FAR outside my comfort zone, even if i'm only sharing a little bit. the fear that someone might take my words and use them against me is very real- i know that sharing my journey might help another, though. i'm not looking for drama, not trying to catastrophize, not seeking attention. just simply sharing because it's important for people to know that trauma is real and the effects are often devastating. y'all need to know that it's not a sign of weakness, to end up with depression, anxiety or other mental illness as a result of a horrible experience! it's not weakness and you're not alone.

*~*

 

(**disclaimer: i'm very aware that i'm not the only one to have lasting effects of our experience... my kids, my husband, other family members have been affected, too. it's not my intention to minimalize their personal experiences- i'm merely sharing mine.**)



and it's not even may...

it feels like we've already packed a year's-worth into life since the new year... and it's not even may yet! life does NOT slow down, so i've been more appreciative of those quiet times when it feels like time is standing still, just for a few moments. those moments are, more often than not, when max is nursing. 

anyway... my photos uploaded in reverse order and i'm not about to re-do it, or i'll never get this posted, so please excuse the time rewind. :)

 remi was diagnosed last night with shingles. yes, shingles. he's had the varicella vaccination, so given that and his young age, the attending resident insisted it was a bug bite or contact dermatitis on his little leg. however, a doctor asked to see it as we were in the process of being discharged, and he immedieatey diagnosed the rash as shingles. he said he'd never personally seen it in someone as young as remi, and someone from the pediatric unit  came down to look and to take pictures. he has a follow-up with a pediatrician this afternoon.

 and two days prior, we were at the e.r. for cole. he was goofing around on his bunkbed and fell off. x-rays showed no broken bones, so they treated him for a sprain and splinted it for stabilization. he'll keep it on for aweek, and he should be fine. 

 this little boy... melts my heart.

 huge pinecone, anyone? 

 cole lost his second tooth shortly after we got to aiken. this time, he didn't swallow it. :)

 miss madison enjoying her meal at cracker barrel one sunday. we went out with some friends and had a great time!

 three days after arriving, this happened. front end first...

 ...then the back end. nobody was hurt, thankfully, and after waiting for a week and a half, we were back to being mobile in a new van. 

had to share this... his dimples and smile just take my breath away! such a happy, contented little man, only cranky when it's warranted. great sleeper, good eater, smart, funny, loving... he's learned to give hugs. those tiny arms wrapped around our necks are just the sweetest thing. he says "na-na" (no-no) in context, copies us when we say "boo" or "what's that", says mama and dada sometimes. watching these four precious munchkins grow and learn is thebmost amazing gift!

southern living, the short version

so... we're in south carolina. we've been here a week and have already had our fair share of excitement. actually, it was just one incident, but it was enough to last us for awhile... our third day down here found us in a wreck. thankfully, the kids and i are ok (i'm still feeling it in my back, but it's not any worse, so that's good), as is everyone else that was involved. now we're just waiting on word as to whether or not the van is totalled. we're guessing it probably is, as the body damage alone is probably close to 70% of the blue-book value. the police that responded (and the emt's) were so nice, southern hospitality at it's finest! two of the policemen even took time to take three big kids to a grassy area and play tag with them. wow- i'm so impressed with their deparment!

anyway... we're in the camper to save on cost of living. it's an adjustment, to say the least. the kids are doing really well with it, sleeping through the nights without issues. kelvin's used it before, for travel work, so he's fine with it. i am another story... it's a complete and sudden 180-degree for me, and i don't do well with change at all. or with tiny camper bathrooms. or with no quiet place to escape to and unwind. but i'm dealing... and seeing how the kids love being with their daddy, well, that makes it all worth it! plus, the rv park that we're at is quiet. no noise at night, very little activity during the day... perfect. there's an on-site coin laundry, but hours are limited, so we find ourselves making more use out of driving 10 minutes to the nearest laundromat, since it's open 24 hours. there's also a fresh market up the road... hello, amazing produce! as in, a container of grape tomatoes lasts longer than three days (as opposed to the less-than-mediocre produce at our hometown grocery store), the avocados for max are huge. fresh market carries both organic and conventional items, so we can pick and choose according to our needs and what's on sale. perfect.

also, there's a dunkin' donuts. i've never had dunkin' donuts coffee until we first arrived here... oh.my.word. my brother was right- dd's amazing! also, hobby lobby and target are in the general vicinity, which is nice. and the drive into aiken is awesome... lots of flowering bushes, cute vintage street lamps instead of the standard lights-on-wooden-poles, large dividers between the lanes that look like pieces of a park, old brick walls that seem to go on forever, equestrian-crossing traffic lights... it's definitely a different feel down here. and i like it! oh, and the weather is nice- 80's on yesterday and friday, projected again for today. the camper has a/c, so we turn that on when it starts getting stuffy and warm. there are playgrounds nearby, which we will be making use of once we have a way to get around again. for now, while we're without a set of wheels, there's plenty of sand right outside the camper, and little kids + sand = hours of fun.

i'll post photos when i get a chance... between settling in and catching up on cole's schooling, we've not had an abundant amount of free-time. not to mention, max likes to "help" with everything, so it's a rare moment that i can use the computer without his little fingers finding their way onto the keyboard or moving the power cord to a more strategic location... oh, but that sweet, entire-faced grin makes it all ok. he's such a happy baby... just simply happy.

so, love and greetings to all our family and special friends from way down south- love y'all, and miss each one of you! <3

mr max (more updates to come)

oooh, max... he's growing so fast, and so stinkin' cute. and far too eager to keep up with the older kids: he started crawling shortly after he turned 6 months, right about the same time he cut his two bottom teeth. stinker! he is so alert, curious and sweet. cole and madi have done a great job of adjusting to max's mobility, mostly because they have their rooms to keep their toys in, completely inaccessible to max. remi's been a little put out by all of a sudden having to share the "community" toys, but he's learning to redirect his baby brother, or distract him with another toy. and cole in particular has done a wonderful job of modeling the redirection technique for remi. they allbthree get the giggles at max's latest antics, which involve attempting to start cruising, growling, making goofy faces when trying new/textured foods, or just hamming it up because he knows it's funny.
today marks a year of our family being legally reunited.... the re-birth of our family! i remember that day, feeling so anxious and powerless because  we were here at home while the hearing to determine our son's final fate was taking place states away... and then finally talking to our amazing caseworker, hearing the excitement and joy in her voice. i didn't need to hear the words, i could tell by her tone. knowing that she was so happy for remi and for us was so reassuring... not that there had been any doubt about her position/views of the whole ordeal. she had our backs from the second supervised visit, no doubt about it.
so today is a happy memory day... we are so blessed :)