oh my... it's been over three months since i last posted. sad. and it's been longer than that since i uploaded photos to the computer so that's even worse. that also means no photos this time around. sorry!
life has sort of taken over my, well, life. baby #4 is due in two months- for those of you who don't know already. and just so all my bases are covered there, it's a boy, due mid-may. looks like madi is going to be the only girl in our family (and the only girl cousin!) unless my two still-offspringless siblings wind up with girls down the road. oh well- she keeps up just fine, holds her own quite well (sometimes better than she should). between pregnancy, trying to keep everyone and everything halfway organized in our little house, taekwondo classes (yes, i'm still attending, right along with the kids, thankyouverymuch) and the day-to-dayness of our life, i've put blogging on the back burner. photos too, i'm afraid... although i do have somewhat of an excuse for that one. which brings me to this particular time of year and why it will always be bittersweet.
remi turns 2 on thursday. this week also marks the one-year anniversary of the scariest periods of our life: when remi was taken. until now, we've been careful to keep any and all info regarding what happened off the blog, relying on word-of-mouth relays of selected bits of information to family members and select friends. as time went on, we started to relax, but our story was never recorded in a public place.
it's a LONG story- i could literally go on for days to cover all of it, but i'll give the ultra-condensed version. part of me is leary and still clings to the "we need to be extra careful" mindset, but that's over. our case was closed on march 4th, so now our story can be told. if you know us or have followed our blog since remi was born (or before), then you know the struggles we've had with our little boy. the growth issues and development delays, primarily. you know, then, that we were scared for him pretty much since he was born. the lack of weight gain right from the beginning, the lack of/slow development, all that. and you'll also know that remi was hospitalized several times. the last time was in march- march 14th. that's when everything fell apart. the very basic story is that the doctors decided that there wasn't any medical explanation as to why remi wasn't gaining weight normally (though the accusation was that he lost weight when he was at home with us, which isn't true)... on march 19, 2012, i dropped cole and madi off with a dear friend and went to be with remi in the hospital. i wasn't there long before i was taken to a conference room, was sat down in front of several doctors and the hospital social worker, and told that there was no reason remi shouldn't be gaining weight, and that i was being reported to dhs for neglect. it was scary, a shock, just unbelievable. we'd been trying to find answers for remi and felt that there were still some avenues that hadn't been looked into thoroughly; i brought it up and the social worker got several inches away from my face and yelled at me to "stop making excuses". after they let me go, i took remi back to his bed (i was holding him the whole time) and had to leave because i felt ready to lose it. i remember breaking down in the elevator, and a lady with two little girls looked at me and said, "i don't need to know what happened, just know that it will all be ok, i promise. you're in good hands here!". the empathy and the irony...! i drove to my friend's house, and i remember sitting on her front porch with her and the glass of water she brought out, but i don't remember any coherent thoughts.
the next few days were a blur: phone calls, my mom flew down to be with us, my dear sweet friend and her kiddos spending their week of spring break taking care of us, interviews with investigators, the scary dhs office, spending too little time with remi, a birthday cake in the hospital for him, and finally, two days after our precious baby boy turned one, getting the call from the investigator that we had to pack up his things: clothes, diapers, carseat, formula, bottles... and take it all to the dhs office because he was being discharged to foster care. i remember the call, and i remember collapsing on the bed, then my mom taking the phone and getting as much information as she could as to what was going to happen next. my friend came right over- i had remi's clothes out on the bed, but couldn't move to put them into bags to drop off. kelvin came from work right away, and we all went to the dhs office to drop off remi's things. the investigator, who was large and very intimidating, told us that we could go see remi before he was discharged. she also told us that she has seen neglectful parents, and she could see that we weren't neglectful parents. (i don't recall what she said word-for-word, but that was the message she was conveying)
we went to spend as much time as we could with rem... it ended up being a half-hour. he was so sweet, as always. we spent our time cuddling him, playing with him, trying to be brave so as not to scare him, memorizing his face, his voice, his smell, the feel of his little body in our arms. he was perfectly innocent and unaware, full of smiles and eager to play. when our time was up, walking away down that hall, knowing he was not coming with... there are no words for that. it went against every instinct in my being to leave him there and walk out, and sometimes i get angry with my inner self for making my feet carry me away from him. (being compliant and not making waves was so very important, so it's a good thing i didn't act on it, but all i wanted was to turn around, grab him and run far, far away)
that was a friday. the next day, we met with an amazing attorney- we are still so thankful that we got connected with him; he's done so much to help us with our case.
sunday was our first meeting without remi in our care. for some reason, at this point in time, that's what makes my heart ache the most when i think about that awful week. we sang "tomorrow's path"... just thinking about it as i write this brings me to tears. it magnified my desperation and helplessness, yet still comforted.
it was 10 days before we got to see remi again- kelvin worked, taking off an hour or two here and there as needed. my mom took care of the kids. one of the ladies from our meeting down there brought meals for our freezer. another, familiar with "the system", answered our questions and helped me navigate through some legal things (she was responsible for hooking us up with our attorney). my amazing friend was there, either in person or by phone, for much of those days. there were records to go through, timelines and weights/dates to organize, a court date, information to process... a year later, it's still a blur. th hardest part was keeping things as normal as possible for cole and madison. having grandma there to occupy them was probably the best thing ever!
in the next weeks and months, we attended twice-weekly visitations with remi. they took place at the dhs office; he was picked up from his developmental daycare and we got to spend two precious hours with him at each visit. our caseworker was amazing- she treated us so respectfully and i will always be thankful for her role in our experience. eventually visits got moved to our apartment- supervised, of course. toward the end of july we were granted one unsupervised overnight visit each week (the twice-weekly day visits were stopped), then we got weekends, and finally, the court granted us temporary placement. that meant that he was able to come and live with us again, full time, with certain requirements. he still had to attend daycare, had to have regular visits with the growth and development doctor, had to have weekly weight checks, etc.. the one thing we weren't allowed to do was to come home.
finally, on december 18, 2012, i got a call from our attorney as i was going to pick up remi from daycare. we'd just moved out of our apartment to stay with my friend and her kids... our lease was up, we couldn't renew it and had nowhere else to go. she graciously took us in, the kids and i (kelvin was in oklahoma for work)... again, she came to our rescue. anyway... our attorney called to tell me that the court order had come through allowing us to return home. we still had several stipulations in place, but at least we could go HOME! so the next morning, before the sun was up, i put the kids in the van and drove north. as we crossed the border into missouri, there was a small break in the clouds in the distance, and the most beautiful sunrays appeared. we drove all day, stopping only for potty and to refuel- the van was packed to the brim, from front seat to rear door, and i'd packed bananas, granola bars, juice, water, etc.... easy stuff that didn't require getting out to eat. we got to my parents' just after 9 pm that night... it never felt SO good to be at their house!
our permanency plan hearing was originally scheduled for march 18th, but was moved up to march 4th. that afternoon, i called our caseworker to find out the verdict- the joy in her voice when she told me that our case was closed sent chills down my spine. the support we've had through the past year has been overwhelming: from family (and my dear friend and kids is included in that category... who says family has to share dna?), from amazing friends all over the country, our attorney, our caseworker, our family therapist... the calls, texts, emails and visits have meant SO much. there are no words to express our gratitude for each and every one of you. and even remi's foster mom- i'm so grateful to her too for taking excellent care of remington. knowing that he was in good hands was invaluable.
that's the very simplified run-down of the last year... the days before and after remi's birthday will always hold the memories of that horrid experience, but we can accept them because we have our little boy back. it will always be part of the story of our lives- we can't change that, but we can accept it, deal with the emotions as they come both now and decades from now, and we can use it as something to strengthen our family bond. it's been quite a year... thank you SO much to everyone who was there for us, even from far away, in thoughts and prayers. y'all mean so much to us!!!
