life...

oh my... it's been over three months since i last posted. sad. and it's been longer than that since i uploaded photos to the computer so that's even worse. that also means no photos this time around. sorry!

life has sort of taken over my, well, life. baby #4 is due in two months- for those of you who don't know already. and just so all my bases are covered there, it's a boy, due mid-may. looks like madi is going to be the only girl in our family (and the only girl cousin!) unless my two still-offspringless siblings wind up with girls down the road. oh well- she keeps up just fine, holds her own quite well (sometimes better than she should). between pregnancy, trying to keep everyone and everything halfway organized in our little house, taekwondo classes (yes, i'm still attending, right along with the kids, thankyouverymuch) and the day-to-dayness of our life, i've put blogging on the back burner. photos too, i'm afraid... although i do have somewhat of an excuse for that one. which brings me to this particular time of year and why it will always be bittersweet.

remi turns 2 on thursday. this week also marks the one-year anniversary of the scariest periods of our life: when remi was taken. until now, we've been careful to keep any and all info regarding what happened off the blog, relying on word-of-mouth relays of selected bits of information to family members and select friends. as time went on, we started to relax, but our story was never recorded in a public place.

it's a LONG story- i could literally go on for days to cover all of it, but i'll give the ultra-condensed version. part of me is leary and still clings to the "we need to be extra careful" mindset, but that's over. our case was closed on march 4th, so now our story can be told. if you know us or have followed our blog since remi was born (or before), then you know the struggles we've had with our little boy. the growth issues and development delays, primarily. you know, then, that we were scared for him pretty much since he was born. the lack of weight gain right from the beginning, the lack of/slow development, all that. and you'll also know that remi was hospitalized several times. the last time was in march- march 14th. that's when everything fell apart. the very basic story is that the doctors decided that there wasn't any medical explanation as to why remi wasn't gaining weight normally (though the accusation was that he lost weight when he was at home with us, which isn't true)... on march 19, 2012, i dropped cole and madi off with a dear friend and went to be with remi in the hospital. i wasn't there long before i was taken to a conference room, was sat down in front of several doctors and the hospital social worker, and told that there was no reason remi shouldn't be gaining weight, and that i was being reported to dhs for neglect. it was scary, a shock, just unbelievable. we'd been trying to find answers for remi and felt that there were still some avenues that hadn't been looked into thoroughly; i brought it up and the social worker got several inches away from my face and yelled at me to "stop making excuses". after they let me go, i took remi back to his bed (i was holding him the whole time) and had to leave because i felt ready to lose it. i remember breaking down in the elevator, and a lady with two little girls looked at me and said, "i don't need to know what happened, just know that it will all be ok, i promise. you're in good hands here!". the empathy and the irony...! i drove to my friend's house, and i remember sitting on her front porch with her and the glass of water she brought out, but i don't remember any coherent thoughts.

the next few days were a blur: phone calls, my mom flew down to be with us, my dear sweet friend and her kiddos spending their week of spring break taking care of us, interviews with investigators, the scary dhs office, spending too little time with remi, a birthday cake in the hospital for him, and finally, two days after our precious baby boy turned one, getting the call from the investigator that we had to pack up his things: clothes, diapers, carseat, formula, bottles... and take it all to the dhs office because he was being discharged to foster care. i remember the call, and i remember collapsing on the bed, then my mom taking the phone and getting as much information as she could as to what was going to happen next. my friend came right over- i had remi's clothes out on the bed, but couldn't move to put them into bags to drop off. kelvin came from work right away, and we all went to the dhs office to drop off remi's things. the investigator, who was large and very intimidating, told us that we could go see remi before he was discharged. she also told us that she has seen neglectful parents, and she could see that we weren't neglectful parents. (i don't recall what she said word-for-word, but that was the message she was conveying)

we went to spend as much time as we could with rem... it ended up being a half-hour. he was so sweet, as always. we spent our time cuddling him, playing with him, trying to be brave so as not to scare him, memorizing his face, his voice, his smell, the feel of his little body in our arms. he was perfectly innocent and unaware, full of smiles and eager to play. when our time was up, walking away down that hall, knowing he was not coming with... there are no words for that. it went against every instinct in my being to leave him there and walk out, and sometimes i get angry with my inner self for making my feet carry me away from him. (being compliant and not making waves was so very important, so it's a good thing i didn't act on it, but all i wanted was to turn around, grab him and run far, far away)

that was a friday. the next day, we met with an amazing attorney- we are still so thankful that we got connected with him; he's done so much to help us with our case.

sunday was our first meeting without remi in our care. for some reason, at this point in time, that's what makes my heart ache the most when i think about that awful week. we sang "tomorrow's path"... just thinking about it as i write this brings me to tears. it magnified my desperation and helplessness, yet still comforted.

it was 10 days before we got to see remi again- kelvin worked, taking off an hour or two here and there as needed. my mom took care of the kids. one of the ladies from our meeting down there brought meals for our freezer. another, familiar with "the system", answered our questions and helped me navigate through some legal things (she was responsible for hooking us up with our attorney). my amazing friend was there, either in person or by phone, for much of those days. there were records to go through, timelines and weights/dates to organize, a court date, information to process... a year later, it's still a blur. th hardest part was keeping things as normal as possible for cole and madison. having grandma there to occupy them was probably the best thing ever!

in the next weeks and months, we attended twice-weekly visitations with remi. they took place at the dhs office; he was picked up from his developmental daycare and we got to spend two precious hours with him at each visit. our caseworker was amazing- she treated us so respectfully and i will always be thankful for her role in our experience. eventually visits got moved to our apartment- supervised, of course. toward the end of july we were granted one unsupervised overnight visit each week (the twice-weekly day visits were stopped), then we got weekends, and finally, the court granted us temporary placement. that meant that he was able to come and live with us again, full time, with certain requirements. he still had to attend daycare, had to have regular visits with the growth and development doctor, had to have weekly weight checks, etc.. the one thing we weren't allowed to do was to come home.

finally, on december 18, 2012, i got a call from our attorney as i was going to pick up remi from daycare. we'd just moved out of our apartment to stay with my friend and her kids... our lease was up, we couldn't renew it and had nowhere else to go. she graciously took us in, the kids and i (kelvin was in oklahoma for work)... again, she came to our rescue. anyway... our attorney called to tell me that the court order had come through allowing us to return home. we still had several stipulations in place, but at least we could go HOME! so the next morning, before the sun was up, i put the kids in the van and drove north. as we crossed the border into missouri, there was a small break in the clouds in the distance, and the most beautiful sunrays appeared. we drove all day, stopping only for potty and to refuel- the van was packed to the brim, from front seat to rear door, and i'd packed bananas, granola bars, juice, water, etc.... easy stuff that didn't require getting out to eat. we got to my parents' just after 9 pm that night... it never felt SO good to be at their house!
our permanency plan hearing was originally scheduled for march 18th, but was moved up to march 4th. that afternoon, i called our caseworker to find out the verdict- the joy in her voice when she told me that our case was closed sent chills down my spine. the support we've had through the past year has been overwhelming: from family (and my dear friend and kids is included in that category... who says family has to share dna?), from amazing friends all over the country, our attorney, our caseworker, our family therapist... the calls, texts, emails and visits have meant SO much. there are no words to express our gratitude for each and every one of you. and even remi's foster mom- i'm so grateful to her too for taking excellent care of remington. knowing that he was in good hands was invaluable.

that's the very simplified run-down of the last year... the days before and after remi's birthday will always hold the memories of that horrid experience, but we can accept them because we have our little boy back. it will always be part of the story of our lives- we can't change that, but we can accept it, deal with the emotions as they come both now and decades from now, and we can use it as something to strengthen our family bond. it's been quite a year... thank you SO much to everyone who was there for us, even from far away, in thoughts and prayers. y'all mean so much to us!!!

you are my sunshine

"you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy when skies are gray. you'll never know, dear, how much i love you; please don't take my sunshine away.

the other night, dear, as i lay sleeping, i dreamed i held you here in my arms. when i awoke, dear, i was mistaken; so i hung my head and cried."

as i was trying to get remi settled down tonight for bed, this was the first thing that popped into my head to sing to him (i rarely sing to my kids; self-conscious, i suppose, even though they're hardly critics.). i had to stop because i couldn't make it all the way through without losing it. the simple lullabye rings so true for me- i can't count how many nights he was in my dreams. to be more accurate, they weren't really dreams, more like fitful dozing mingled with memories and thoughts; perhaps it was my heart connecting with his during that awful separation. since he's been back, the joy has been incredible, but it doesn't erase the pain and the scars that have been left. deep, deep scars, not a single one of us unaffected. and through it, we've realized a miracle: that remington never, ever forgot who we were. not once. our beautiful little sunshine.

(*disclaimer: it goes without saying that i love all my kids the same...)

just some stuff...

in place of update-y stuff, i'm trying to promote my etsy shop. i stumbled upon the story of this sweet little boy named nolan. never met him, don't know any of his family, but his story gripped me and ever since, i've been wanting to do something to help out. the basic rundown is that he has an enlarged heart- he's just a baby, so he needs a transplant to survive. he's had some recent setbacks (he's on a berlin heart and in the last few days suffered a stroke)... you can read about him here at his facebook page or check out his gofundme site. i've been busy creating new things to stock my shop with to help benefit nolan: fingerless gloves, an angora blend infinity scarf and a chunky, warm wool blend infinity scarf. (of course, those of you who know me well will already know that anything i make can be requested in a different color or fiber!)

anyway... once you've read more about this little boy, i hope you'll help spread the word that any and all orders (either through my etsy shop or privately) will help nolan. 30% of all procedes will go to him and his family. so far, i have a grand total of $10. that's not much, so please help me get the ball rolling! even if you're not feeling like shopping, at least please pass the word along. i've always wanted to do something useful, and it's so hard to know who to give your time, money or other donations to because there are SO many that need help... but this is the one i've chosen. little nolan is a warrior and is fighting for his life... let's fight back for him! :)

ata worlds, 2012!!

back in june, the kids and i had the honor of participating in the ata worlds tournament... exciting stuff!! ("ata" is the american taekwondo association, for those who don't know) there was a press conference to kick off the tournament week, so we went to that and that evening, saw the kids on the news- that was exciting too :)

the statehouse convention center has been home of the ata worlds tournament for more than two decades now- if you're in little rock mid-june, expect lots of people, uniforms, awards, languages and cultures. i think there were 17 countries being represented there this year... quite the deal.
ahh, the breakfast of champions: apple juice and cheerios! (given the tiny tigers events started at 8 am, we had to be ready and out the door quite early- no sit-down breakfast that morning).

ring one... that's where the (adorable) action was.

pre-tournament introductions and all that.

tiny tigers events have instructors to lead the little ones that aren't ready to do their events all on their own. instructor-led, it's a great introduction to tournament.

cole was all into his form, totally focused. he did great!

madi, on the other hand, completely froze up. she just smiled, jumped in place, punched and yelled "ai-ya!" at the top of her lungs. still, she tried, and after all, "to compete is to win"!

one-step "sparring"... the little kids are taught basic steps to defend themselves. at tournament, they have a chance to demonstrate that they can respond to "stranger danger". in traditional ata fashion, it begins with partners bowing to each other as a sign of respect, shaking hands and telling each other to do their best.

couldn't resist sharing this one of cole- he's SO into it!!

one-step ends with bows, hand-shakes and "good job, sir/ma'am".

great job, tigers!!

two medals for two tigers: cole's is for demonstrating black belt attitude and madi's is for sportsmanship. the neat thing is that at this level, the judges pick out something positive that each child demonstrated (i.e., great kicks, awesome kihap (yell), that sort of thing) and they each get a medal (or, for smaller tournaments, a trophy) for competing.

there's a pretty good chance that this might be the only time we ever get to worlds, so i opted to get our medals engraved.

yes, we are ata strong!!
one of the really neat things about ata is that they've started an anti-bullying program. senior master lee (she's awesome- big name in the little rock area!) shared briefly at the press conference her experience with being bullied and how enrolling in taekwondo gave her the confidence to overcome it. the ata is also involved in helping kids with autism achieve success in the ring and out...go, ata!

finally, i just HAVE to share this, because cole is so very impressed with this. this young man has been instructing temporarily at the maumelle ata location the past two weeks... he just earned his fourth-degree black belt and is now a certified instructor. mr johnson's skills are just awesome, and cole has his mind made up that he will learn to kick like this. actually, i wouldn't mind learning either- it's even more impressive to see in person.

so... that was our big, fun, exciting experience this summer... thanks for letting us share it with you!

we have moveage!

little remi is starting to look SO much like his big brother... while cole's face has always been rounder, rem still looks a lot like him. i nabbed a photo on my phone the other day...

...they have the same expression and look almost identical! (it would be easier to see if remington hadn't been looking down)


we also want to share that remington's crawling skills have really improved over the last few days, since he first realized he could move (on the very off chance that you missed it, there's video below). he's easy to entertain- he rolls his own ball to crawl after!! (seriously- he did it intentionally several times, chuckling to himself because he thought he was such a smarty. which he is!)

photos... phinally!

here we go... photos!! now y'all can finally see how well remington is growing... he's starting to look SO much like cole did when he was small. no denying genetic relations here, hahaha. one of these days (and i'll try to do it soon), i'd like to do a photo comparison of them, just for kicks. because really, they do look so very very similar.

"hey, mom..."

daddy's hat is a favorite play-thing of sweet remington's. forget toys- that hat beats all!

kisses for cole- big kisses, the mouth-wide-open-cramming-as-much-face-into-cheek-as-possible kind of kisses. those are the best!

smiley little man! (i think he resembles his auntie sarah a little in this one. her baby pictures, i mean...)

multi-tasking: hamming it up and sucking his thumb.

mama and her boys

remington's always been our most cuddly baby- a real snuggle-bug.

checkin' things out with grandma...

... and then taking a stroll with her, too.

big development: on friday (the 20th), remington finally started to crawl!! i got some on my phone to share with kelvin because he was at work and missed it. back in wisconsin, the birth-to-three team had set a goal for him for crawling: 15 months. here he is, 13 months and finally pulling it off. he met his goal with two months to spare, and we couldn't be more proud or happy of that! he's been up on hands and knees since january, and scooting his knees forward since february- now he's finally figured out how to coordinate those little hands and arms and start going places. brings to mind the dr seuss book, "oh, the places you'll go". i think i'm going to get a copy just for him :)

what? no photos?!

no photos... i know i said i would post some, but seems that my laptop has a virus. i've got to resort to using kevin's little "cheapie"; that means no photos. oh sure, cheapie is capable of photos, for the most part- i just don't have the energy and focus to mess around with it. that, and i've started shooting in raw format. cheapie won't take kindly to raw, AND lightroom is on my laptop. bummer. it kinda makes sense that a virus would infect the computer, since it's swept through the apartment and hit almost everyone else. the kiddos were sick- started with madison on thursday. very short-lived tummy issues, a fever, then just tired and cranky within 12 hours. cole woke up early sunday morning with the same thing, then remington followed after lunch. yikes! miss jennifer was SO sweet- she brought bananas, apples, crackers, pretzels and a few other things. i've been taking preventative measures since madi got sick, and i'm thinking it's just a mild case of influenza. apparently, even though it's not a gastrointestinal bug, it tends to disrupt kids' tummies. me, i'm fine- just exhausted, a little achy and stuffed up, but then again, i'm an adult. (sometimes. haha!)

mom is flying in this evening! while we're so excited to have her with us for a week-ish, we wish it was under different circumstances. remington goes to radiology tomorrow morning- bright and early. "be there by 8 am", they said. then it's over to the g.i. surgical clinic to meet with a doctor there, then an overnight stay with surgery to put in the "button" sometime on wednesday. that's the plan for now, anyway. i hope nothing gets delayed, changed or otherwise messed up... mom can't change her schedule, and i reallyreallyreally need her here this week! yes, i finally admitted it- can't do this without mom anymore. she's going to be free 24/7 while she's here, which is exactly what i need for the kids. anyway, the medical team pushed and threatened us, so now that we've got a plan, i hope they stick to it. i know i'm being a little anal and totally peevish about this, but given the run-around, i'm almost entitled. (almost. one is never really "entitled" to a bad spirit...)

in other news: not a whole lot of anything. oh, except for we're heading back home on the 26th! we have no idea what the plan is after that, but i'm going to try (really*hard) not to fret about it because i can't control the future. i've learned to sometimes roll with the punches the last few months, so why change now, right? i'll chalk it up to a huge, grand adventure. bumps in the road sort of go with the territory- and lucky for us, we've had some awesome family and wonderful friends just willing (crazy?) enough to hitch along with us...

so that's all for now. when i get the chance, i'll update on rem. happy monday to everyone... hope you all have a wonderful week!