so... if you're family (or close friends) or on facebook, then you are already aware of what we've been facing in addition to figuring out what remington's deal is. first, i should say that we took him to a geneticist last thursday- for an older gentleman who studies genetics, he sure was a friendly bunch of fun! he hit it off with the kids right away, was thorough in noting remington's history (as well as commenting that the polyhydramnios i had at the end of my pregnancy with rem was VERY important), and i feel quite comfortable dealing with him. he ordered a blood sample and said that he would be surprised if there wasn't something genetic or chromosomal going on with our little boy. we're playing the waiting game again, as results will take anywhere from 4 weeks to 6, hopefully no longer than that.
if the medical issues were the only thing we had to worry about, i'd be pretty ok with it... but a few days after remington was discharged from arkansas children's hospital, we were paid a visit by a social worker from children's protective services. she came to the apartment and told me that they received a claim that remington was being maltreated and they were going to investigate the situation. a week later, i got the formal letter in the mail, naming me as the alleged abuser, remington as the victim and intentionally with-holding food as the charge. it sounds so harsh. i signed releases for all the doctors and hospitals that rem has records with, gave names and phone numbers of people that could give proper witness (one way or the other) of my interaction and care for remington, and i've been 100% compliant. the cps worker came back last thursday to interview kelvin... i was right there as she asked him whether or not he felt remington was safe in my care, if i ever denied him food, that sort of thing. i know it's standard, but it felt so very degrading. after she was finished, she said that she'd gotten ahold of rem's medical records and would be wrapping up her investigation in another week or so; i'll get a letter notifying me of her findings (whether or not the claim is true or unsubstantiated). part of me has faith that because i've done everything i can to try to get rem to grow, the case will be closed and we can get on with our lives. on the other hand, there have been several different discrepancies in how the case has been handled thus far that makes me scared to death that they're going to consider the claim to be true- and while i have the right to appeal the findings before a judge, the possibility of rem being removed and placed into foster care is very real, should the case go that direction. that's one of the first things i was told by the cps worker the first time she came to our apartment and it's been scaring me sick ever since.
i've struggled with the decision to post about this experience... initially we didn't tell anyone beyond family members and close friends. we didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but then i came to the realization that this is one of those things that's too big to handle without the support of others. besides, sometimes others have advice that you might not hear or know unless you share your experience, and when it comes to this, we need all the help we can get. (just to clarity: i'm the only one being investigated but kelvin needs support in this too- it's his family as much as mine!) the last month has been incredibly difficult. i've cried more tears than i can count. i've logged minimal sleep. i've been hopeful. i've been scared. i've been overwhelmed. i've been supported by loved ones. it's been hard. in the grand scheme of things, i know very well that things could be worse- people face more devastating things every day. so really, i should be more positive... but on the flip side, it's not just a minor issue. it's been the cause of lots of heartache and i have to admit, there are moments when my faith wavers terribly. as the verdict draws closer, i feel less and less confident that things will be ok.
so... i apologize for letting this all out, for wearing my heart on my sleeve, for probably over-reacting. someday i will have peace about this... but for now, it's huge and overwhelming and scary and i can't face it on my own. some very special people have taught me that i don't NEED to bear it on my own either, accept support and help when it's offered and be honest about what i'm feeling. so there you have it...
(ps- if you want to comment privately, feel free to email me!)
